“Friday I’ll Be Over U” – Maybe you don’t know, but this is my favorite first single an Idol contestant has ever put out. I think “Tattoo” is now a distant second. ILOVEITSOMUCH. I have no idea why it’s not a huge hit on the radio. Maybe it’s not “contemporary” and different enough? Whatever. Max Martin, ILU. A+

“Robot Love” - Lyrically, this is the dumbest song I've heard since I heard Rihanna's "Stupid in Love" last week. And musically, it samples Gary Glitter's "Rock & Roll Part 2" so liberally that it seems like more of a cover than anything else. B+

“Just Like You” – Can we please refrain from using the word “texting” in song lyrics? It makes me hate modernity. Even on this dull “power” ballad, Allison’s voice sounds amazing as usual. C+

“Don’t Waste the Pretty” – I actually prefer the acoustic version she’s been performing. Wonder if she’s going to release it officially. Also, the title makes me think of Tveit and Jessica and then I giggle. B+

“Scars” – I’m going to guess that P!nk wrote this song. She didn’t! I’m shocked. Maybe it was originally written for her. A-

“Pieces” – We kick off with an obvious nod to Kings of Leon’s “Use Somebody,” so you know things are going well. The chorus reminds me of Snow Patrol, if Snow Patrol were fronted by a badass chick. In other words, I LOVE THIS SONG. A+

“D Is for Dangerous” – Kelly Clarkson at her edgiest couldn’t have done it better. I’m deducting half a point for the stupid lyrics and obnoxious whistling in the background. A-

“Holiday” – This song was written by Dilana of “Rock Star: Supernova” (who, for some reason, also put it on her own just-released album). The riff sounds like Green Day. The rest of the song sounds like a harder No Doubt. WHY IS THIS ALBUM SO AMAZING, GUYS? A+

“Still Breathing” – Songs called “Still Breathing” are like songs with “bird” in the title: almost impossible to do well. C+

“Trouble Is” – Yeah, it’s “Tiny Dancer.” B+

“No One Else” – Kara DioGuardi, I hope you have a good lawyer, because this song sounds EXACTLY like Tina Turner’s “The Best.” Clearly I love this album, but I can’t ignore how derivative it is. A-

“Beat Me Up” – Totally age-appropriate (ironic given the way it conjures up images of Chris Brown), ‘80s and catchier than pinkeye. A+

“You Don’t Know Me” – The only song Allison co-wrote. Stick to singing, bb. B-

Tags: allison iraheta, music
Current Music: Hugh Laurie singing "Faith" on House!

Lately I am obsessed with listening to artists talk about their "process." I think I used to think it cheapened it, but now I know that you can never totally trust what an artist says and even if they are being honest, their word is never the end-all be-all because art exists outside its creator.

I watched that Beyoncé special last night and I was so inspired by her vocal prowess, her feminism (ALL-FEMALE BAND), her beauty and her strength. You can tell how hard she works, how much control she has over everything, and how dedicated she is to putting on a great show. I loved seeing little things like her behind-the-scenes process. She might be an egomaniac, but that dedication really comes through when she's able to do amazing things like sing "Single Ladies" live while doing the crazy dance. I know that's not the easiest position to sing in and that's not the easiest song to sing. AND she asked a girl in the front row to sing a line from one of her songs (actually a sample of "Love to Love You Baby"), then snapped back "Damn! I didn't ask you to take my job!" Kind of love her now.

Let's talk about Lady GaGa. Every time I see her I feel (1) really entertained, (2) really happy, (3) really inspired, (4) really pensive, and (5) really jealous.

Entertained because look at her. Pensive because she really makes me think about the images she uses and the lyrics she uses and how this is more than just pop music, or at least it's taking pop music to the next level. Inspired and jealous because she's incredible and I wish I could be that fearless and creative and just ON all the damn time. I worship this woman, and I don't mean that even a little bit ironically. I have dreams of being her.

The Fame was an album about fame, but written by a person who didn't have it. Because GaGa would walk down the street acting like a celebrity (dressing for the job you want, if you will) even before she was one. If you think of it from that perspective (and not from the perspective of GaGa as Superstar), it's a really very fascinating album. Because reality TV and Twitter and whatnot have made regular people more like stars. My favorite song musically is "I Like It Rough" but it slowly changed to "Paparazzi" when that song became a single. Not just for the visionary video, but because of the crazy lyrics, which are typically hard to parse. You think the song is about the paparazzi (and in the video, GaGa plays a huge celebrity who is paralyzed by the media attention), but it's really a metaphor. In the song, the narrator seems to be the paparazzo, stalking a lover: "I'm your biggest fan / I'll follow you until you love me / Papa-paparazzi / Baby you'll be famous / Chase you down until you love me / Papa-paparazzi."

Her new amazing EP, The Fame Monster, isn't about fame at all. GaGa has said in interviews that it's about all her fears: Fear of Sex Monster, Fear of Love Monster, Fear of Death Monster, Fear of Alcohol Monster. I know my first thought was "How could Lady GaGa be afraid of ANYTHING?" And this is how I interpreted the songs I liked the most:

"Bad Romance" - Fear of Love Monster. The song seems to be about an addictive but bad relationship. Musically, it's one of the best things she's ever done because it just doesn't sound like anything or anyone else.

"Alejandro" - I have no idea what this song is about, but it's a clear musical cousin of Ace of Base's "Don't Turn Around" and a lyrical cousin of ABBA's "Fernando."

"Monster" - I LOVE the lyrics of this song because they are so fucking disturbing and I can't make heads or tails of them. I do like her confused use of the idiom "eat your heart out"--a rather disturbing turn of phrase that is used innocently to accuse jealousy. I have no idea what it means here.

"Speechless" - Fear of Alcohol Monster. I thought this one was Fear of Alcohol Monster because of all the talk of "glossy eyes," "cigarette-stained lies," Johnny Walker and glass-raising.

"Teeth" - Musically, this song is pretty crazy. It has some En Vogue call-and-response stuff ("don't want no money [want your money]"), some Madonna naughty talk-singing, and also some Christina Aguilera-esque soul riffing ("I'm gonna love you with my hands tied"). The song sounds like a seduction and a threat at the same time. Every review I've read seems to think that GaGa coined the phrase "show me your teeth" as some kind of come-on but I've always thought that it was a reference to the animalistic bearing of teeth as a sign that a fight is starting. It's almost a dare: show me your teeth while I take off my earrings because BITCH, IT'S ON.

Those are my interpretations. It turns out...

"Monster" = Fear of Sex Monster. "It's about a guy with a big dick," GaGa says plainly, adding that it's about the masochistic desire to stay with a bad boy (just because he has a big dick: "he's a monster in my bed"). In that context, this song is really quite filthy.

"Speechless" = Fear of Death Monster. She's said the song is about her father and his heart problems and how he'd call her when he'd had one too many and she wouldn't know what to say. Knowing that, it's easy to understand why this song makes me cry and is by far the best ballad GaGa has ever written.

"Telephone" = Fear of Commitment Monster. She said she always tries to go out and party but then gets distracted with work calls. I don't really get this one, but her interviews are probably just part of the art, fucking with our heads.

"So Happy I Could Die" = Fear of Addiction Monster. This song seems to be pretty obviously about lesbian love, but there are some lines about alcohol and drugs in there too. I just think that the melody sounds like "Spice Up Your Life."

"Teeth" = Fear of Truth Monster. Apparently "teeth" is a metaphor for the truth. But also for oral sex ("take a bite of my bad girl meat")! I get that now but still...kinky.

Tags: beyoncé, lady gaga

Disclaimer: I know how annoying it is that I cannot stop talking or writing about this subject. If it bothers you, I'm actually sorry and I would like you to know that I am really trying to stop. The good news is that American Idol starts again in a little over a month and I will have a whole slew of new people to obsess over!

I read this great article on Neil Patrick Harris in New York magazine yesterday. It was an old issue that has been sitting in my office for months, one I never got around to reading. I’m glad I finally did and that I did so now, in the middle of Adam Lambert Mania.

Joanne and I were talking the other day about how difficult it must be to be famous and how we would never really want that life. I said I couldn’t handle being hated by so many people, because every single famous person has haters. Nobody is loved by everyone--except, of course, for Neil Patrick Harris.

It’s easy to see why so many people love him. He’s handsome, smart, charming, and funny. He’s a good actor. He’s a good dresser. He can sing. He frickin’ knows magic. He’s a class act. The words that adorn the cover of this magazine are “Womanizer. Theatre Nerd. Frat Boy. Emmy Host. Leading Man.” (It doesn’t even mention that he’s Doogie Howser, which is kind of amazing.) Maybe it’s his ability to wear all of those hats so comfortably that makes him so universally lovable.

The article talks about his sexuality a lot, and how he’s really accomplished something by coming out in such an unfussy way and only becoming more popular in the aftermath. There are a few lines in the article that stood out to me because of how I related them to Adam Lambert:

“When we were filming Dr. Horrible, I was imagining watching it in my living room. When I’m co-hosting with Kelly Ripa, I’m not thinking Neil the Actor, I’m thinking Housewife, ironing clothes, eleven o’clock. What kind of thing does she want to see?”

Danny [Roberts, of Real World: New Orleans] was distinctly masculine, I point out: the first gay cast member who could easily pass as straight.

“Oh, he was very sexy, but everyone thought so,” says Harris drily. “One wants to be sexy to everyone.”

I ask Harris if he’d ever found himself watching, as many young gay men do, other men for hints of how to “pass.”

“I’ve always thought that people should act to accomplish whatever they need to get. I don’t feel like if you’re talking professionally with your boss—if you talk strip clubs with him if he’s the kind of person who goes to strip clubs—that means you’re being a kiss-ass. It just means you’re being effective.”

First of all, I find this journalist’s rhetoric to be pretty problematic. She seems to think that men should be masculine and that a gay man who can pass as straight is easier for America to swallow. That doesn’t seem correct and it’s a sort of basic muddled view of the relationship between gender and sexuality (that I will explore more deeply later).

But let’s discuss what we’ve learned about NPH here. He’s a people-pleaser to the core and possibly an opportunist as well. But since his only real endgame is getting people to like him (nothing sinister about that) and he’s oh so canny, he just behaves in a way that will allow the highest number of people to do just that. I don’t know why this never occurred to me before but I’m a little surprised that he showed his hand like that.

Ostensibly this is almost the exact opposite of the way Adam Lambert operates. He just does whatever the fuck he wants to do (although I don’t think he’d whip his dick out on a morning show, in his latest interview with EW’s Michael Slezak, he mentions that he jerked off the mic stand when he performed “Whole Lotta Love” ON IDOL but the cameras stayed fixed on him from the waist up…paging the ghost of Elvis Presley anyone?).

Adam frequently mentions that he is weird and that the biggest risk he’s ever taken was just going out there and being himself. People seemed to respond to what he was doing, so he kept on doing it. Memorably, on the Idol tour, when he performed that very same song, women threw undergarments and sex toys at him. Is it any wonder he thought that what the people want is rock music with a large side of sex?

There was an incredible article in the L.A. Times this week (easily the best one on this subject). It touched on how sex is gone from rock, how that genre of music has been co-opted by “Christians, dads, earnest political activists and other basically wholesome superstars.” The journalist name-checks a bunch of boundary-treading old rock stars that Adam now stands beside—Bowie, Jagger, Presley, Cobain—every single one of them straight.

Adam has touched on this before—how wearing eyeliner and nail polish is not a gay act; it’s a (punk) rock act. Billie Joe Armstrong does it. He’s straight. The emo boys in Fall Out Boy and Panic at the Disco do it. Pretty sure they’re straight too. And didn’t this all start with the glam-rockers of the ‘70s (many of whom were straight, although things were less uptight back then) and the hair bands of the ‘80s (super-heterosexual, if I recall)?

In another interview I can’t recall right now, Adam discussed how people called some of his performances really gay and he said “it’s not gay; it’s sexual.” I have played into this myself: assuming that Adam’s gayness was a huge part of who he was as an artist when really it was his sexuality in general. This accounts for his shameless flirting with people of both genders. It’s easy to interpret this as trying to repress his homosexuality, but how could that be when everyone knows? NPH said that he feels free now to tell women AND men that they are sexy. There is nothing to fear when you are open about who you are.

It may seem like I’m forcing this NPH/Adam Lambert connection just because they’re both out gay men, but check out this line from Adam’s interview with OUT: “There’s a way in which both you and Neil Patrick Harris are being talked about as exceptions to the rule, to the idea that there could never be an out, gay leading man or male musical star. You both seem very confident and comfortable with who you are.

I do think they are incredibly different people, which touches on something Adam has been saying for a long time: that gay people are individually just as different as straight people and there is no uniform Gay Agenda. Gay individuals want different things, just like straight people.

But there’s something else that NPH and Adam Lambert have in common. I think there is a part of Adam that, like Neil, just wants to be liked. After Idol ended, he described his style as “edginess with a smile.” Although in performance (as on the AMAs) it often seems like he’s angry, he’s always quick to say that he wasn’t trying to piss people off. In interviews he seems totally happy and easy-going. Ann Powers, who wrote the L.A. Times article, used a phrase that I really liked (because it very succinctly described the way I feel Adam has been reacting to this scandal): “always conciliatory, even when being unapologetic.”

Maybe that sounds a bit back-handed and maybe it sounds like I’ve been saying something similar about NPH, but what I really believe is that we are looking at two people (who happen to be gay) who are stars not only because of their multitudinous talents, but because they are either naturally likable and charismatic, or they are incredibly well-educated in How A Celebrity Should Behave.

It’s not very difficult to understand why: Neil has been famous for most of his life and has eluded the trappings of child stardom; Adam has been performing professionally for years (once aside a rather huge Hollywood celebrity). They’re both smart businessmen in addition to being artists. They both know their way around a soundbite. When NPH came out of the closet, Howard Stern asked him whether he was a top or a bottom and he responded, “Whatever you please, man.” As far as Adam goes, sometimes I think I enjoy watching his interviews just as much as I enjoy watching his performances. He’s so cheeky and delightful. I honestly believe that these two people are doing enough for the so-called gay cause just by being out, successful, and happy. They are role models, and not just for gay people.

A big difference between the two is that NPH might be a gay role model but, “The idea all along has been to acknowledge the fact of his sexuality, then change the subject to his talent. Still, there was a kind of alchemy involved. Maybe it was Harris’ easy style of masculinity, at once unthreatening and seductive” (Emily Nussbaum, New York).

There we go, confusing gender with sexuality again, almost as if to say “NPH is masculine, so he’s not really THAT gay.” Or his sexuality is unthreatening. But Adam Lambert is another matter: he wears make-up and he kisses men in public.

Adam said in the OUT interview that, “I think one of the things about the gay community that’s really interesting is that while people own their homosexuality, there is a strange aversion to letting the masculine and the feminine exist within you in a balanced way. And for me, personally, I feel I have a very strong masculine side, and I also have a very strong feminine side. And a lot of people are scared to live in that gray area.”

Butch/fem gender politics ARE outdated, especially in the music world. Adam is a little more feminine and a little more sexual; those traits make him a little queerer. And in turn, he must be a Champion of Gay Political Causes and take responsibility for his “dangerous” actions.

There was an article in The Huffington Post entitled “How Adam Lambert Is Hurting Gay Marriage.” Here’s an excerpt:

And what is the mainstream most worried about, Adam Lambert? Why are they afraid of our partnerships, our service to our country, our working lives, our families? They are worried because they think gay life is exactly what you portrayed on the American Music Awards: focused on the kind of sex that turns people into animals (almost literally, in this case, with crawling dancers leading you on leashes), geared toward enticing children (ABC is a network owned by Disney, for heaven’s sake), degrading, rapacious, empty.

This is why mainstream America votes against gays, Adam Lambert. Not because of people who have families and jobs and bills and weddings. Because of people like you, who use sexuality thoughtlessly in order to advance your own agenda, instead of thinking about the very real consequences your actions will have on others’ civil rights.

And here I thought we’d moved on to thinking of gay people as harmless eunuchs who host talk shows and dress up straight people! Let’s face it: what this woman is really saying is “Tone it down, Adam. You’re scaring The Children and Their Heterosexual Parents.” And why should he care about that? Why should he tone it down? Because of the so-called "responsible" gays who might lose their rights as an incredibly tertiary indirect result? Wouldn’t THAT be the real step back?

A lot of fuss has been made about the double standards between female and male displays of sexuality in pop music. What Adam did last Sunday was a queer act not just because of the boy-on-boy action, but because he was behaving in a way that we have only deemed acceptable for female performers.

But would it have been acceptable if he were a straight man? To my eyes, one of the most disturbing things about Adam’s performance (and one I rarely see being discussed) was that he did it all while fully clothed. When a female artist wants to “express her sexuality,” she usually does so by taking off most of her clothes. There is something off-putting about watching Justin Timberlake, Usher and Robin Thicke (all of whom are R&B artists, I should mention) miming sexual acts while wearing three-piece suits. A man doesn’t have to take his clothes off; a man is always in control.

Adam’s gayness is what turns this problematic behavior on its ear: although he is fully clothed, he’s surrounded by women AND men in various states of undress. It’s the same in his music video, which gives him a cool sort of Ringmaster of Sin vibe. (And people were surprised to find out he’s a top?)

I think what people were most offended by in Adam’s AMA performance was not that he did some sexual stuff, but that there was an aggression behind it (it’s weird to agree with Elisabeth Hasselbeck). People actually seem more uncomfortable with his masculinity than anything else. They want him to choose a box and hop in it: Butch (perhaps like NPH, who has proven that he can “pass” when the situation calls for it in his acting) or Fem (Sparkly Gay Eunuch like the boys on “America’s Next Top Model”). And they want him to keep any hint of libido locked firmly away--not just from their children's eyes, but from their eyes.

I think Claude Kelly and the Dark Overlords of American Idol will join me when I say that that is simply NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

(I would post that .gif of Kris sassily snapping his fingers if I could find it.)

Tags: adam lambert, essays, nph

Tags: funny, twilight, videos

We all know that Chace Crawford is playing Ren McCormack in the Footloose movie. And of course, Aaron Tveit is Broadway It Boy Extraordinaire. Leighton Meester has a budding singing career.

What you might not know is that bitchy Tisch queen Paul "We All Know Who My Father Is" Hoffman played Bob Gaudio in Jersey Boys. He also did this:


I'm thinking Blair whored Chuck out to the wrong gay!

Tags: gossip girl, videos

Joanne and I saw New Moon last night and I would have reviewed it then but I crashed like James Dean (too soon?). Also I had to take a cold shower because we temporarily had no hot water and that put me firmly on Team Jacob.

Has anyone ever noticed how the "Vampire Diaries" boys are not pale like the Twilight or "True Blood" ones? Is that because they can go in the sun unnoticed? It's becoming more and more evident that those are the best vampires. Je préfère mes vamps avec les fangs.

And even though the Twilight vamps are supposed to be super-gorgeous, Kristen Stewart is still the best-looking person in New Moon. Yes, Taylor Lautner has The Body (when he took off his shirt nearly the entire audience applauded as if they had just seen a really impressive set change) but K.Stew doesn't even look like she's trying yet she always looks cute in whatever she's wearing and her hair is always perfect. (Although...does she wear brown contacts? I think her eyes are green in real life. How is that necessary? I don't think Bella's eye color is mentioned in the books and the vamp contacts are scary enough.) Robert Pattinson, on the other hand, is disgusting to look at. His skin is grey. I know Edward is dead but I don't think he's actually supposed to look like a reanimated corpse. When he takes his shirt off it's like "PLEASE PUT THAT AWAY, SIR."

Also, the CGI wolf is a better actor than he is. But all is not lost! We saw a trailer for Remember Me which looks like a semi-good movie and he looks semi-good in it! Not just because his skin is a normal color but because he sort of can act! And Pierce Brosnan is his daddy.

What I will say for R.Pattz is that he and Stewart still have scorching chemistry. When they kiss they both moan in exquisite agony (he because he wants to eat her; she because she wants to fuck him) and it is definitely something. It's no wonder everyone thinks they are dating in real life.

There are some things about this movie I non-ironically loved:
-The 360-degree camera spin to show the passage of months
-Anna Kendrick. She had many laugh-out-loud one-liners and in general she reminds me of myself. I hope she's as good as they say in Up in the Air. Imagine someone from Camp and Twilight getting nominated for an Oscar!
-Michael Sheen. Possibly the best actor in this movie and SO perfect for his role.
-The ending! That was exactly how I was hoping it would end. EXACTLY.

Mike Newton looks like a blurry Andrew McCarthy in the '80s.

Shameless Soundbites That I Stole from Joanne's Entry Because We're Funny:

Amanda: Bella's like "Hey, it's Dakota Fanning!"
Joanne: "I loved you in I Am Sam!"

Bella: Don't make me choose. If I have to choose, I'll choose him.
Amanda: Ouch. Knife in the chest. Knife in the perfect chest.

Bella: (to Jacob) You can't break up with me!
Amanda: Oops! Wrong line.
Bella: I mean, we're best friends!

Final conclusion: This movie is your basic "filler episode." It's really just there to bridge Twilight and Eclipse. It is even more ridiculous and awesomely bad than you could have expected and there are many many moments where I needed to ask myself, "Am I watching a real movie or a parody with an extremely high budget?" I mean...we are talking about people who thought that Love Spelled Backwards Is Love could ever, ever be the name of a movie.

Tags: movies, twilight

Jude irked by NYU dorm's-eye view

I can't decide what the funniest part of this is. Let's break it down. Either Jude Law rented an apartment right next to an NYU dorm and had no idea (unlikely), or he rented an apartment right in the middle of a college campus and thought that he, a movie star, would be left alone.

Add to that the fact that he exercises OUTSIDE (It's a mild fall, but come ON. If you want to be left alone, don't be so conspicuous!) and all I can say is that Jude Law is an idiot. As for the students, what was their crime? Calling out his name? Sounds kind of immature but I can understand how tempting it was. He threw oranges at their window! That punishment doesn't really fit the crime. Plus, who is he, Russell Crowe?

Also, this NYU girl Neha is my hero:
"This time, he hit the windows -- there was orange pulp on the glass for a week -- and then he went back to working out," she said. "Now we don't like Jude Law anymore."

"I'm supposed to go see 'Hamlet' with my sister this Saturday. It's awkward -- I should bring some oranges, I guess."

I want to be this girl's friend. I clearly went to NYU too early.

Tags: jude law

People's Sexiest Man Alive issue is my favorite thing to get angry about. It beats the Oscars and American Idol (and actual life problems), because it has no intrinsic value. Also, it combines my loves for making lists, sexually objectifying men and pop culture trends.

To hammer home how completely behind the times People is, I am listing the five latest Sexiest Men Alive and who should have won those years:

2005: Matthew McConaughey
SHOULD HAVE WON: Jake Gyllenhaal
This was the year Jake Gyllenhaal became a man. He was in three huge movies that year (Proof, Jarhead and Brokeback Mountain). He was nominated for an Oscar for one, acted the shit out of two, and looked smokin' hot in all of 'em. Plus he was totally charming on talk shows. I fully expect Jake Gyllenhaal to win this award next year, since by then he will probably be even more irrelevant.

2006: George Clooney
SHOULD HAVE WON: Leonardo DiCaprio
The fact that Leonardo DiCaprio has never won Sexiest Man Alive is enough to make you hate America. Also, untrue to the standard on which this entire list is based, Leo is not getting better-looking with age. He actually probably peaked earlier than this (around 2000 or 2002) because pretty boys do not tend to keep well (STAY STRONG, ZEFRON). But this was a really big year for Leo. He was nominated against himself at the Golden Globes for his amazing performances in The Departed and Blood Diamond. The former was a better performance; the latter was sexier. In any event, Leo's combo of brains, talent, and looks should have been enough to get him the title.

2007: Matt Damon
SHOULD HAVE WON: Justin Timberlake
Every year when the SMA is announced, I ask if Justin Timberlake has died because this is Justin Timberlake's world and we all just live in it. Justin's reign began in late 2006 with the release of FutureSex/LoveSounds, his second SNL hosting gig, and three movie roles, but he really owned us in '07 when he took FS/LS on tour and brought sexy back to the entire fucking world. He also won an Emmy for "Dick in a Box" that year.

2008: Hugh Jackman
SHOULD HAVE WON: Christian Bale
Bale became an A-list star in 2005 when Batman Begins came out. His star continued to rise in '06 with excellent turns in The Prestige (an amazing movie that you should really see if you haven't) and Rescue Dawn (Oscar-worthy). By 2007, he made Bob Dylan sexy in I'm Not There. Last year he put on the Batsuit again. AND HE STILL DIDN'T WIN. I actually did a poll last year asking who should have won. It was a toss-up between Bale and James Bond himself, Daniel Craig. I had to go with Bale because he's Patrick Bateman, although Craig also would have been a better choice than boring Hugh Jackman. Another appropriate choice would have been American hero Michael Phelps, who would have been the first athlete to win (yes, neither Brady nor Beckham nor Jeter has ever won) and only the second non-actor.

2009: Johnny Depp
SHOULD HAVE WON: Jon Hamm
My soul mate Michelle Collins did a brief analysis of the Top 15 Sex Men Alive and ranked them all in terms of Jon Hamm, star of "Mad Men" and THE MOST OBVIOUS CHOICE to be the Sexiest Man Alive. Hamm looks like a cartoon pilot, acts like a house afire, and stars on a red-hot television series. He is what the kids call a GQMF. He's George Clooney circa 1997 (the year of his first win) + talent. (Burn, she went there.)

And since I've brought up Clooney, let's discuss how there should not be multiple winners allowed. It should be like the presidency. It just ain't fair. Who among us truly believes that Johnny Depp is sexier now than he was when he won in 2003? I don't particularly care for Johnny Depp, have always found him overrated as an actor and even more so as a dreamboat. I am sure his peak wasn't even in 2003, but way before that, like when he made Cry-Baby.

People Who Would Made Totally Appropriate Winners This Year (if Jon Hamm did, indeed, die):
1. Robert Pattinson. I know he has been called one of the Unsexiest Men Alive. That does not change the fact that the man has literally stopped traffic with his sexiness. And that's not even up for debate. It happened. I don't even find him very sexy but I would not be angry if he won this, since he is of the moment, he belongs to 2009 (2009 does not, however, belong to him). If years from now, archeologists discovered a copy of 2009's People's Sexiest Man Alive issue and Robert Pattinson had been on the cover, that scientist would TOTALLY understand what 2009 was about, culturally. It was about vampires. And the most famous vampire of all was played by Robert Pattinson. Maybe he didn't play the game and maybe he didn't "bathe" or "smell good," but NEITHER DOES JOHNNY DEPP. And who has graced your cover more often this year, People? Who has sent more teen girls' hearts aflutter? Who else has inspired such inappropriate merchandise? It's R.Pattz. This might be the only thing he ever wins! Give a Brit a break.
2. Bradley Cooper. I must seem biased since I have loved him forever, but he is so hot right now--looks- and career-wise (There is a reason why Collins ranked him "5 Hamms"). He's constantly in the 'bloids and he had a huge breakout hit this summer.
3. Ryan Reynolds. I think even straight men can see that this man is wicked hot. Also totally busy this year! And married to the Sexiest Woman Alive. Missed opportunity.
4. Neil Patrick Harris: DUDE IS FUCKING EVERYWHERE AND EVERYONE LOVES HIM. Everyone. Hosting the Tonys! Hosting the Emmys! Everywhere he goes he is the coolest, most charming and funny person in the room. It would be hard to deny him this. He's also a fine-lookin' man, an excellent dresser and out and proud to boot. Get with the times.
5. Shia LaBeouf: J/K. Just checking to see if you were paying attention.
6. Robert Downey Jr. It's actually hard to understand why he didn't win this. After all, his big comeback was last year, so that checks off the "just to the left of relevant" box. He is 44 which puts him right in the creamy centre of the target demo for this magazine, and in the right lighting, he has never looked better (and they say drugs are bad). The only reason I can think of that he didn't win is that I love him too much (I also consider him to be Johnny Depp's rival). There is a truly amazeballs pic of him in Esquire with a Zack Morris phone that must be my icon.
7. Levi Johnston. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FUNNY THAT WOULD BE?

Here are some SMA stats for y'all to chew on:
-Four men have won the title of SMA twice: Depp ('03, '09), Clooney ('97, '06), Brad Pitt ('95, '00), Richard Gere ('93, '99).
-The youngest winner was JFK, Jr. He was 27. (1988)
-The oldest winner was Sean Connery. He was 59. (1989)
-The mean age of the winners is 39.5. Keep this written down so you can snag a man at his peak sexiness.
-Only one black man has won: Denzel Washington (in '96).
-Not a single other race has won.
-Not a single out gay man has won.

Taking all of that into consideration, it's pretty obvious why the right people never win. Clearly this magazine is run by middle-aged straight people which can be why the choices are always so old, so out of fashion and so boring.

P.S. I didn't mention Adam Lambert once, even though he is the 10th Sexiest Man Alive according to this list. Of course, he's also the 6th Unsexiest according to that other list. Oh, America.

P.P.S. There better be some Alexander Skasgard in this magazine or There Will Be Blood.

Tags: hot!, people, rant

She had come into a new virginity
and was untouchable; her sex had closed like a young flower at nightfall, and her hands
had grown so unused to marriage that the god’s
infinitely gentle touch of guidance
hurt her, like an undesired kiss.

He was no longer that boy with golden eyes
who once had echoed through the poet’s songs,
no longer the wide couch’s scent and island,
and a piece of property no longer.

He was already loosened like long hair,
poured out like fallen rain,
shared like a limitless supply.

He was already root.

And when, abruptly,
the publicist put out her hand to stop the radio host, saying,
with anger in her voice: He must leave—,
he could not understand, and softly answered
What is Bing?

Tags: poetry, seacrest, twilight

Robert Downey Jr. is on the cover of Esquire so I bit the bullet and bought it even though I am supposed to be quitting magazines. He is sitting on top of some curious box, part of some kind of "Augmented Reality" thing that Esquire is launching which is sort of like making a 3-D magazine. Or a 4-D magazine? Like the magazine turns into a video if you have a webcam. I still have NO IDEA how it works but it seems a little more Smellevision and New Coke than iPhones and Twitter. Or maybe I'm just getting too old to understand new technology. I mean Google Wave? WTF is that? Seriously though, who is going to bother holding their webcam up to a magazine just to watch a video of Gillian Jacobs telling a joke? I don't get it.

But what I really want to talk about is this truly insane article relating celebrity death to the death of our culture and the death of hope and some shit. When I started reading it, I was on board. I too think it is repulsive the way everyone seems to revel in celebrity death. But I feel that Jacob's article on dealing with celebrity death is way more intelligent and profound. His thesis is "When writers die, worlds collapse. But when actors die, it's genocide: an entire nation of secrets and hopes and fears and dreams, an infinity of men that he could have spent his life showing us, in little glimpses and moments."

I would link to the Esquire article but it's not online yet so I'll just share a few choice quotations:

"We don't just grieve for celebrities anymore; we indulge in orgies that turn the dead into the people we need them to be so we can assuage our anxieties about death, both our own and America's. Do not ask for whom the blog tweets, it tweets for thee."

"If you're famous and you want to change how the world thinks about you, all you have to do is die."

This is not just true for celebrities. Any time ANYONE dies, people grasp to remember every wonderful thing about that person so that they can make it all about THEM and how sad they are and how guilty they feel that they're still alive. When you die, you want people to say nice things about you, right? And when someone is dead, saying or thinking something less than nice seems to be in poor taste. When Ronald Reagan died, people were sad. But why? The only thing I know about Ronald Reagan was that he ignored the AIDS crisis and that makes him a pretty huge shithead in my book. I'm not going to pretend to be sad that he died at a ripe old age when he allowed millions of young men (and women) to die needlessly because he refused to acknowledge an epidemic.

"Dead celebrities have turned out to be the best kind, so much easier than live ones to twist and turn for our own purposes. Right now, at the end of a bleak 2009, we need Farrah to be brave and Michael to be innocent and Teddy to be heroic and Hughes to be great because we need to compensate for the atmosphere of doom that's settling over America like spiritual smog."

Here's the thing about Michael Jackson: he did a whole lot of questionable things in his life. He also did a whole lot of awesome things. It seems to me that people have been talking about BOTH since he died. And maybe we do need him to be innocent and maybe we do need to celebrate his work and relive a time that seems much more innocent and hopeful than today (isn't that always how it goes?), but mostly it's sad to think that the best Michael Jackson, The King of Pop, died long, long ago. And we all knew it. To paraphrase The Hours, he had to die so that we could value his life more. By the end, he was a joke. He was Wacko Jacko. But there was a time when he was a King. He did stuff that was worth remembering and worth celebrating. It's sad that he died because he was a person, one who may have been undone by his own success. His life was a tragedy, but his death (orphaned children notwithstanding) was not. His best work was assuredly behind him and he gave us everything he had.

Jackson's death is not sad in the genocidal way that Jacob describes. It's not the same as Heath Ledger's death. Heath Ledger could have had countless riveting performances left in him. Even though I was not a huge fan, I will admit that The Dark Knight was the best thing he's ever done and he 100% deserved that Oscar. Who knows what could have been? His death WAS genocide.

It's fitting that RDJ is on the cover because he has been reborn, almost Christ-like. He's probably stared down the barrel of a gun so many times. There was long period during which his name itself was a punchline, just as Michael Jackson's was right before he died. But he has risen like a phoenix from the ashes. He's been given a second chance. The irony is that if he had died, he'd probably have an Oscar right now. I don't want to put too fine a point on the fact that he lost to Heath Ledger; I'm pretty sure that Ledger would have won even if he had been alive, but the race would have been a little closer, don't you think?

The title of the article on RDJ is "The 2nd Greatest Actor in the World." I'm trying to decide whether "The 2nd Greatest Actor ALIVE" would have been a better title. On second thought, it's probably not. Because I'm sure the first greatest actor in the world is somebody dead. Whether it's Laurence Olivier or Heath Ledger, I don't know. All I know is that I just got a deeply grim image of Clea DuVall sneaking into Downey's house and saying "It might be a good idea if you killed yourself. Think about it."

Death is what gives life meaning. So, when you think about it, our cultural obsession with celebrity death runs in direct conflict with our cultural obsession with vampires. Because vampires are immortal; they have the ability to live forever. If you can live forever, NOTHING you do has any meaning at all. It's a terrible existence, one that no one should envy.

Then again, the protracted "death circuses" are ways of extending the lives of these celebrities. Not only can Michael live on in his music but, through the power of television and selective memory, he can also be young and beautiful again, forever.

In the Sookie Stackhouse books, Elvis is a vampire, but a terribly inept one--the blood-drinking version of a mentally challenged human. Turning Elvis is viewed as a colossal mistake because when Elvis died he was drug-addled (not to mention fat and past his prime). That's not the Elvis we want to remember. (In fact, it's not the Elvis ELVIS wants to remember, and in the books he cannot even be referred to by his name, let alone be asked to remember his past.) We want to remember him young and beautiful, and that's not the vampire way. So thank goodness real vampires don't exist. We don't want to remember Michael Jackson as a surgical mask-wearing, baby-dangling possible pedophile. We want to remember him as a moon-walking, crotch-grabbing, sequin-wearing dervish.

I'll give you one good quote Marche said (although he surely did not originate the idea): "We prefer to watch them die young and beautiful and perfect for paintings, video games, and action figures." The first reference is to Marilyn Monroe and, as Chuck Klosterman once proclaimed, "it's hard to imagine anyone who benefited more from an early death." Marilyn Monroe is a vampire: forever young, forever beautiful, forever famous. Even her talent strengthened in death: IMDB calls her "the most celebrated of all actresses;" Klosterman says she is so often called "underrated" that she's overrated.

All this for being really, really ridiculously good-looking. It's always sadder when beautiful people die, isn't it? Every time a girl is raped and murdered, my father remarks about how she was such a "nice, young, pretty girl." It sickens me. First of all, how does he know she is nice? Because being nice and being attractive so often go hand-in-hand? Secondly, would it be less sad if someone fat and ugly died, Dad? I'll never forget one of the signs that adorned Heath Ledger's apartment during the vigil: "You were so good-looking." That's it. That's all it said.

I understand why it's sad when a young person dies. I understand why it's sad when a talented artist dies. Or a great humanitarian. Or a promising politician. Or an intelligent journalist. We lose something when these people die. Secrets are buried with them, undiscovered. Truths go untold. Lives go unsaved.

But why is it sad when a beautiful person dies? Beauty is not something a person can control. Good looks are a gift and not necessarily one that can be returned, recycled or regifted. Are we supposed to be sad because we no longer have the opportunity to admire such beauty? That's what photographs are for. If beauty is all a person has to offer and beauty fades with age, death is actually not such a terrible end. Does another person's beauty enrich our lives in any way?

Are the lives of ugly people, plain people, fat people somehow less valuable than those of the beautiful? This is food for thought, I think. Is every human life precious? Or are some of us just cannon fodder, the filler on an album, the crust on the sandwich of humanity? Perhaps this obsession with celebrity death is not voyeuristic, sadistic pleasure. Perhaps it is more masochistic and sad. In recognizing these superhumans we realize how huge celebrities are, how they reach across the earth and touch the lives of prisoners in the Philippines. And in effect, we realize how small we are...the ordinary, the average, the plain. I've only been to two funerals in my life. One was for my friend's mom who died in 9/11. The sheer fact of this made her a local celebrity. Every single person who went to my high school showed up. There were so many people that the sanctuary could not hold us all. The other was for my grandmother. Fewer than ten people showed up. I cannot remember anything that was said.

Is it any wonder that 2012 seems so exciting and terrifying a prospect? On the plus side: if we all die, we are all stars (and stars live forever). On the minus side, there is nothing. Literally. The end of the world is the beginning of nothingness. On second thought, I now see the necessity to have my reality augmented. So by all means, Esquire, before the world crashes down around us, please teach me how to use a webcam.

Tags: esquire, essays, michael jackson, rdj
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